I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are
This show inspires me to have sex in space
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
How did you even find out?
Because you came up to me and said "I just fucked in the bathroom."
Oh.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize
