your parents love me but you hate me
my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
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