Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
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Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
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Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
Though the booty shorts might give me an extra discount. Or arrested. We'll see.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
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