Christians are straight up FREAKS
"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
