I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
Wait is this place where the strippers are missing teeth and I think one is missing a thumb? Though I don't know how she would maneuver on the pole without a thumb. Pls advise.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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