Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
Randomize
