If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
It's always exciting to touch a new boob.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
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