You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
