I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
