I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
