Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I have stripper ass cheeks all over my glasses
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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