I've been congratulating people on facebook about their forthcoming pregnancies. I can't wait to see how this plays out
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
