Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
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