I didn't shave. On purpose
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
AND I HAVE A NICE COCK! A STRIPPER TOLD ME SO IT MUST BE TRUE!
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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