I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I'm just a little concerned for your well being... and your penis too I suppose.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
