Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
