Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
