Who has a tranny cab driver? I have a tranny cab driver.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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