you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
