Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
OH HAPPY DAYS YOU'RE BOTH GINGERS YOU'LL REPRODUCE YOUR OWN KIND
I just replaced the poop spray with an air horn... Now we wait!
my dad has now seen 6 different dudes grab my ass. i guess i should start a list.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
