I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
I think I am morally bankrupt
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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