Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I found us a new booze connection and I'm writing college admissions essays. The future is bright.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She was screaming and crying about how she couldn't find her middle finger. Then, she threw her body on to the pavement. Thats the last time we buy a freshmen a handle.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
