Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
