please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Randomize
