i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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