I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Remember the time you puked your contact lens out?
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
