Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
