Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
Randomize
