If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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