Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
On a scale of your daily life to smuggling crack into the DR, how illegal is it?
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
