I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
i think my cat just said my name.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
I have a number of responses, ranging in content, tone, and maturity. Choose your destiny...
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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