I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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