One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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