Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
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