I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.
Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
Randomize
