Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
Randomize
