If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Randomize
