As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
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