New invention idea: vibrating tampons
Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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