my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"
LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
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