He bought me ice cream and then I gave him a bj
I think that's fair trade off
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
