So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
