You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
You texted me a picture of some random naked guy. Did you lose your virginity?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
