i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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