my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
