took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
Keep in mind that he's 43, unemployed and living with his parents. There's really not much we could do to make his life worse.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
That girl is nothing but trouble. She's 40% red hair and 60% daddy issues.
She didn't complain to the library attendant about us being too loud. She complained after you grabbed her highlighter off the table to stir vodka into your tumbler with.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
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