wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
Randomize
