Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
sex in a hospital.. check
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
