Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I never saw such an emotional argument over yellow vs. spicy mustard.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
Randomize
