I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.
So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
Yes please. My parents would fucking love him and I'd love fucking him. That's a win-win if I've ever seen one.
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
