I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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