just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Full contact beer pong was definitely not my best idea.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
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