Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
This is classic penis vs brain.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I think you should do the fixer upper relationship. Like lawyers do pro bono work with underserved populations, you can do pro bono relationship work.
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
