Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
...so i touched it.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
Blocking me on Facebook doesn't change the fact that you've had my penis in my mouth. So there's that.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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