his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
