im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
she told me i tasted like america
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
