I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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