i seriously just saw a stripper from last weekend walk into the classroom next to me!!
Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I've just had my first cup of coffee in a month and I moaned at the first drink and honestly I think this is the most sexual expreiance in 6 months
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Randomize
