The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
I think my moral compass just broke
Randomize
