omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Randomize
