I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
