I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
